Yay, it’s my birthday! I did it, I made it through another year. It’s quite convenient having my birthday on the 31st December, as it is really easy to reflect back on the year….Thanks Mom!
Sitting having a chai tea this morning, I feel like I have taken an even number of backward and forward steps this year.
In some ways this has been an amazing year, watching how Amy has been so successful at school and sport, preparing and watching her at her farewell dance, inspired by her commitment to her studies; watching as Aidan has grown in stature and how working is changing his perspective and confidence. These are truly some of my favourite things, to quote Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music.
On the other hand, I lost my job, and have felt my confidence plummet to an all-time low, akin to Rostock in the middle of winter. Yet, slowly, I have seen my own development begin, seeing my passion for photography becoming a reality.
This year has been hard, I suppose everyone says that, but I think in some ways, I have made it harder for myself. I have been opinionated, resistant to change and really battled to understand that offering advice, unsolicited or not, wasn’t always the correct approach to dealing with issues and has led to a great deal of raised, angry voices. I must ask myself, to what end?
To balance that; there have been some magical moments, I haven’t laughed this much in a long time, and I figured out that putting my boundaries up isn’t as cataclysmic as I originally thought.
Losing my job gutted me, in all honesty.
I thought that I was doing a valuable job, making a difference to people, and to have that ripped away, brutally exposed me to the core, and I didn’t like what I saw.
So, maybe having the rug pulled from under me is a good thing, a silver lining of sorts. I have seen and experienced the dark side of my character, the self-destructive behaviour; that shadow of shame which has clouded so much of who I am.
I am not accepting this as my truth anymore, I am turning to face my shadow and stepping into the light.
I am Graeme, and I am changing my story.
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