Last weekend was pretty rough, I experienced a complete emotional meltdown. I broke down and wept, that is the only way I can describe how it felt.
I wept because I realised what I have put my children through for such a long time. I am not saying I am not a good Dad, I know that I am. However, and this is the point, I have been so emotionally unstable especially recently and I have put them under so much pressure. I have acted cruelly and I was absolutely disgusted with myself.
It took an argument with my daughter that escalated into something indescribable for the dam to break, when she stood up to me and said “I am not going to back down, I am through taking your shit. I cry every day because of you”
If someone had ever said I would hear that from either of my children, I would have scoffed, that could never happen because I would do anything for them.
But its bigger and deeper than that; my daughter has been home from university, as a result of the Covid-19 lock-down, and as much as I wanted her back, as much as I needed her back, I have treated her as almost invisible. I used the excuse that she was so busy with her studies that I hardly saw her and some how this was her fault. I have so often blamed other people for things that are wrong in my life, and it only hit me when she stood up to me and said “Enough”.
My fragile, intelligent daughter nearly walked out my house then, and I doubt for not a second that would have been the last time I ever saw her, I know how strong-willed she is.
My son has really been struggling with a work issue, and I "helped" him by raising my voice and getting angry because he wasn't facing up to the problem and taking it head on. What on earth did this beautiful, gentle giant of mine do to deserve that? The saddest part is after I shouted at him, he came to me and said “Thank you Dad, for every thing you do for me”
I can only say sorry to them, and I will do everything I can, to be better every day. I would not have survived the past 10 years since Susan's death without them, I simply would have had nothing to live for.
I will live each day going forward to be present for them.
I used to get so frustrated with my Dad too, he always seemed to be on the receiving end of the angry flare-ups at home and work, and never seemed to react to them. He never put anyone in their place, but what I have realised is how much strength that must have taken, to always respond gently even if inside he must have been fuming.
Thank you Dad, I love you and as the earth revolves around the Sun for yet another birthday, I can only say how blessed I am to have such a role-model.
All I can put out there, is be gentle on yourself, on your family, life is so short and can be snatched away in a heartbeat
Be present, that's all any of us needs.
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