Lock Down Day 30
I woke up this morning with a strange feeling of dread, which I honestly haven't felt for a long time. It didn’t last long fortunately and I have sat this morning thinking about what those feelings meant.
I think it comes from a combination of factors; life has just been turned upside down with the onset of Covid-19 and the ensuing lock down, living in very close proximity with family which sounds lovely until there is no real way to take a break, and the realization that, with lock down to be slowly phased out, life will return to a level of pre-Corona virus normalcy, and that absolutely paralyzed me.
Whereas the past weeks have been spent in a state of virtual suspended animation, I will now have to get up and actively pursue the demons which have plagued me recently, looking for a job, and being able to put bread on the table.
I feel a little like an impala that’s has been targeted by a large crocodile; I know it's coming, but I am not sure I am in a position to deal with it. In digging through my emotions this morning I dredged up a series of old negative feelings which really knocked me back. Feelings of zero confidence in myself, worthlessness and self revulsion to pinpoint just a few. It really hurt, and I had to be quite firm with myself to not let these dominate me today.
I have tried hard to discard these terrible negative feelings, in exchange for positive thought and action, and it felt good to sit down and put my thoughts down. Simply just trying to be positive doesn’t really help, but taking action, even as simple as journaling or writing a new blog entry has enabled me to step forward out of the shadow which threatened to swamp me earlier.
Am I still worried about the future, as lock down ends and the world and its people move into a new reality? Absolutely yes.
Do I feel paralyzed and incapable of action? No, not anymore.
I haven't given up yet, and I don’t intend doing so now.
Oddly enough that was the mantra I said every day after Sue died and I was struggling to cope as a single Dad with two young children, it helped me find my feet, and it will serve me well going forward into a different future than what I imagined a couple of months ago.
I hope that you are all well and safe.
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