The last couple of weeks have been rather challenging. On one hand, things have been positive, I had an opportunity to work doing something I really enjoy, and then on the other hand, I have never felt this lonely.
Being alone has generally never bothered me, but this week that feeling of loneliness has truly beaten me down.
For the first time in a long time, I have felt despair in who I am, and I recognize the signs of depression. Honestly, not a good place.
It has been incredibly hard to lift myself out of this feeling, just felt utterly demotivated and pointless. If I look back at what triggered this, I honestly can not tell you. As I felt myself slide, and I can almost feel these black toxic tentacles enveloping me, I could see it in the things I wasn’t doing; things like getting out of bed when my alarm goes off, shaving and looking after myself.
These are some of the signs I recognize when I am starting to struggle.
I often then find myself going on the offensive, and this is where I get it wrong. The offensive is most likely not against the depressive state I feel, but rather against myself, my worth, my value as a human being. I really feel that I am my own worst enemy.
I am the harshest critic of who Graeme is.
Today, I am standing up against my inner voice, my self-criticizer, that toxic friend, who just doesn’t see the good in anything I do.
It’s hard, because drowning out that inner voice is damn hard, it’s the voice which I have listened to for so long, ever since I was a little boy.
A few years ago, I was asked, what is my shadow, that thing which drives my behavior and fuels the story I tell myself.
Thinking about it, I believe that my shadow is believing that I am not good enough, that I don’t deserve the blessings I have in my life, and that I cannot dream those incredible dreams.
For the longest time, I have seen this cycle repeat itself. Feeling positive, then self-doubt creeping in and that ever-present inner voice, belittling everything I do.
I cannot go on like this, it is too draining, and too toxic……...
I am not going to listen to that voice anymore, I am good enough, I am Graeme.
I am enough!
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