Flagellation & Salvation

Inadequate, simply not good enough, childish, selfish, angry, worthless, pointless and valueless.

These are some of the terms, albeit the polite ones, which I have applied to myself over the last ten or so years, and probably even longer, if I look back far enough.

Generally, my response to dealing with these, or anything that might have gone wrong in my life, has been to blame myself.

What I have continually told myself is that I should know better, I should have more control, I don’t do enough as a parent.

I know that this really is utter nonsense, but it has been my default response for so long that it has become the story I tell myself...

I hated myself, in every aspect, and often it has been really hard to find a clear space in my head that wasn’t telling me how awful I am.

It’s as if I needed to punish myself, for whatever perceived wrong I had committed.

In the head space I was in, flagellation seemed the only place to find salvation.

When I read this back, I am honestly sitting here and shaking my head, because that just seems so stupid.

It has taken me a long time, and many, many discussions with utterly tireless friends, to finally accept that sometimes a bad day is simply a bad day and that it isn’t my fault. Sometimes it’s the other person who must bear some responsibility.

I am good enough! (Refer to the Good enough parent – from the work conceived by DW Winnicott)

I have also realized that I don’t need the approval of anyone for what I have done as a parent. For so long, I actively sought other people’s approval, because I was judging myself by what they thought of me.

Not anymore, I know I am a good Dad, and a good man, and I will look to myself for approval in future.

I am responsible for my happiness, and I will not find it by living in the comfort zone of regret and shame.

I am breaking out!